Slipping under

I’m slipping. No infact, I’m drowning.

The floor beneath me is falling away piece by piece and I can’t seem to find my step. Everywhere is unstable.

I am unstable. But how many times? I ask myself this question. Can I do this to myself and to others who love me? How many times can a let myself be swallowed by this black hole.

I can feel it coming. The anger is burning through my skin. I want to hurt myself. I hurt others. I’m crying. Screaming inside. The thought of death is prominent on my mind.

But do I really want to die? I want the pain to go away, the anger I can’t control, the self hate and disgust is gnawing at my insides. How selfish to have these thoughts when there’s people who would do anthing to live. Too many good people who have left us already as well as people who weren’t even ready.

I want it to stop. I want to get off the earth. No, re phrase that. I wish I could just cease to exist whilst this shit storms lasts.

But I can’t do that can I? How can I hide from this ugly shitstorm when I AM the shitstorm? How do I learn to turn all of this rage that burns so deep into love? How do I learn to trust myself, truly trust myself and be brave when I just want to run. To hurt is a familiar feeling, to trust myself not so much.

I crave for a motherly figure to embrace me in their arms and hold me so tight. Never let me go. It’s a funny thing because I have a mum. An amazing, strong? Beautiful mum. But I don’t want her love.

How can I change my ways? I’m impulsive, ugly, dirty and ashamed. It runs so deep it’s part of who I am. Is it really possible to turn all of those things piece by piece into something that I can nouris and learn to love?

It’s not playing the victim, it’s feeling all this inside. When I can no longer stand it, it has nowhere left to hide. Up it comes from the deep depths where I have buried it. Rising to the surface, willing to take over.

The bad voice is getting louder. The good voice is barely a squeak. Which one will I succumb to?

Today

My head is cloudy, my body feels weak.

I haven’t eaten yet today, only had a cup of tea,

my body wants food but I am ignoring it’s hunger, I don’t want to make food but I don’t want to go out and buy it either.

I’m still in my studio refusing to move. Agitated. Frustrated. Fighting the battle of the thoughts in my head.

My body is shaking. I need some food.

Anger is bubbling within, I want to hurt me, to scream and destroy everything.

But I stay silent.

The anger is still here.

“Go outside for a walk and get some fresh air” v “stay here in bed there is no point in anything anyway”.

Feeling ugly and hairy and hating myself.

Scratching my skin, picking at things. The stress seeps out of my pores.

My mood is contagious, the radiations roar out.

I need to change my mindset and turn this around.

It will pass, I am ok, willing myself to fight the demons of self destruct. I know it will end up with the same outcome as always. But still I am close to falling down that hole.

No point in life, no point in anything.

I can’t see the positive in anything.

Persist!

I know I need to find a way to control this, I am already a lot better than I used to be.

Still afraid that one day I’ll loose it completely.

Will writing all of this help me?

questioning if anyone ever feels this way?

Suppose to be going to a thing with friends, I can’t face people, I’m too angry and irritated. I need to be alone

Don’t want to be mean to the people I love

The magic of Sunsets

Last week me and Joe took an evening stroll along Castelvecchio Bridge. The sun was on its final descent, illuminating the sky with shades of burnt orange, leaving a soft glow on each passer by and rooftops of the city. The moon soon ready to make an appearance as the sun begins to cast morning […]

Salò

Salò, Lake Garda. Walking along the lake, there’s a somewhat eerie and mystical feel as the clouds linger low. A light breeze brushes cause my hairs to stand on end. The rain has held off so far, apart from the odd drop forcing its way through the clouds creating small droplets as they hit the […]

Brain

This brain of mine always wandering off,

Can’t stay focused in the present, constantly ahead thinking about the next thing in line.

Why can’t I just stay focused on on what’s happening in the now?

To be able to sit with life and be in the moment is such a difficult thing to grasp…

If I’m not worrying about the future then I’m fighting the past.

Shame

The shame sticks to me like a fly swallowed by a venus fly trap, consumed. I can’t get out.

A thick coat of dirt is dragging me down,

My body isn’t mine, it’s yours and it feels all wrong, this feeling of uncleanliness has stuck to me for so long.

No matter how hard I scrub, the shame refuses to subside. It keeps on washing over me, drowning me in it’s tide.

This coat of dirtiness on me is engulfing me in it’s ferocious flames.

Even when everyone says “it’s not you fault” do I still feel I am to blame?

It is tangled deep inside my mind, my body and my soul.